i just sat down and like kinda think over how much i cared for that princess =/
it is like theres a void in you, and you so desperately wanna fill it up and when u found the one who can fills it up for you, the sad thing is she only knows you this much and isn't able to return any love or care back...... well i guess being born with pain blessed to me, I just get pain of all sorts, physical pain is a piece of cake to overcome.... but then


emotional pain i doubt i have even have that little ability to overcome it at all.... with the incoming death of vanny, that yearn to fill up that void becomes so strong... i just hope a rejection do not drag me down to the ends of darkness..seeing nothing but despair, what a meaningless life if that happens... i dunt wanna force her to love me too, i just wanna make her feel special and loved..most importantly by her own choice not because on how i will feel or anything. All i want in a relationship is for the girl to feel like a true princess and my own feelings are like off little concern.... all i can do is hope and wish that if she rejects me, time will be on my side and never let that rejection coincide with the passing of vanny

of course i hope and yearns for the best =) no doubt vanny must pass and go but that princess must really be willing and happy to enter the relationship with me because she wants to... not be what will happen to me if she does not.. as i said, her happiness is utmost priority, mine is just secondary...


well.. everyday i am listening to dark music.. for no reason, just that when i listen to such music confirm i have some extreme emotions inside.... what emotions? i myself do not even know! ok! poetry to unleash these words in me!





Traitor! Yes you time

Death itself looms overhead
grinning wide its servant glides
with that sick, perverted goal
death itself promises only certainty

As those afflicted charged head on with death
only the thought they had for loved ones
made that battle impossible
as they anguished and suffered as death looms ahead

Never resisted the thought of an eternal link
but the truth of death burns with such clarity
could not bare to hurt or lie to her further
but to listen to her every command

Find another bond with another she said
-How BRAVE and strong you are!
grief and pain overwhelmed that little soul
gritting all of it i gladly accepted

Was like a lifetime.... found another
cared her of, using the best of ability
fearing she was treated as a replacement
made sure she was unique and special

Certain I was, she was the one...absolute
As time betrayed me yet again and again

-cj



hmm weirdly i dunt really feel better T-T instead more pain, reality is and will always be a pain, like knife to the heart

why is it so easy to destroy, condemn and hate?

yet to care, to love, to feel the pain and share your happiness with someone you love so disgustingly difficult... again i blame on you Time, many a time you have betrayed and killed me over and over.. yet i will never understand your motives.. for that i salute you Time